Pan's Shadow

ATTENTION: All of the material below is meant to be taken extremely seriously. I created all of these accounts to spread the message of how much of a disgrace Alan Jackson is to REAL country music and its rich tradition. I don’t regret doing any of this, and if I could, I’d do it again. For those of you who want more info on my mission plan they should contact me on Twitter at @JacobGa31668544. I have been working very hard the past few months plotting the battles that lie ahead and to eliminate all the obstacles in my way. There's not enough bourbon in Kentucky to make Alan Jackson’s “music” not suck.

If you believe in the real underground of real country music, then now is the time to do something about it. Contrary to what you may believe, the “music” “artist” you call Alan Jackson is anything but country music. What he is is a pop blend of rap, trap, R&B, EDM, and 80’s hair metal. Beyond a possible doubt, Alan Jackson has been a disgrace to country music for his entire career. Now is the time to do something about it. The time is now to overthrow the current situations and declare war on the record companies, radio stations, publications, clubs, and anyone who promotes the whole so called "scene" as it now stands. We need to destroy it all and take it back from the corporate phonies and conformist.

In 1954, an entrepreneur named Ray Kroc took a hamburger stand in Phoenix and transformed it into one of the most commercially successful enterprises in human history: McDonald’s. True, the business mass-produces garbage and killed a lot of people, but Kroc got disgustingly rich and famous.

In 1990, a singer-songwriter named Alan Eugene Jackson recorded “Here In The Real World,” beginning a 25-year-long career recording and performing music. True, most songs contained a maximum of four measly chords and revolved around a stale retinue of still-recycled themes, including sexism, religion, and—you guessed it—alcoholism, but Jackson got disgustingly rich and famous.

First let me tell you who I am. Under the username "TheAmazingNerdino77", I tricked Khan Academy wikia into making me an admin in April 2013, until I was busted four months later. I was also able to trick Mountain Dew wikia, under the username of "PvtHudson", into making me an admin in August 2014, until I was similarly caught six months later. Before that, from June to August 2013, and again in December of that year, I had created 14 backup accounts to hit that wikia everyday nonstop. Case in point, I am here to take real country music back & prove to the world that Alan Jackson destroyed, and is far from, real country music through the sources I have acquired.

Even before I was born I was plotting. But through the years everyone has let it all go. That's why I am ready to take it all back. Nobody has held on. Nobody has had the indurence to finish what they were set out to fucking do. They all let me down or I took their lives for a purpose. I was the one who was throwing all the monkey wrenches into the gears. But money and commercialism made them all sell out. Even Whitey Morgan let me down. Justin Moore let me down. Blake Shelton let me down when he fell in love (that's why they are all dead to me). And now we have Randy Houser praising artists like Luke Bryan and Florida Georgia Line, which runs against everything they were set out to destroy.

It's time to fight. It's time for revenge. We need to overthrow country music as it now stands. We must bring down Alan Jackson aka the Nickelback of Country Music by not buying his "music". A boycott If someone buys one of his albums for you, it’s a trap! Kill your “friend.” If you really, really have to have an Alan Jackson record, steal it. That way he won't get your money. We've got to stop feeding them. Why do you think I am being investigated for sockpuppetry on Wikipedia right now? Because they know who I am and they fear my reality. Our society wants to stop my mission. They want to brain wash you and keep you locked into Alan Jackson (and similar artists like Yung Joc and Cardi B), and their stagnating, safe worlds. It's a plot to kill real country music. I am the savior. Thats why I am considered a threat to society. they are afraid of me and what I stand for and they know that even after being blocked on English, Spanish and Simple Wikipedias for all this time, and all of the head games, etc – Mlpwtfisthat is more fucking dangerous and powerful today than when I first started out. What the Wikipedia Checkusers have done to me backfired in their faces. This sentence has not only enhanced my rage, it also set my peak to a higher, more escalated level of terrorism. So I’m sick of all your block threats etc. Come on people I’m out there. Now’s your chance. Block me motherfucker if you think you can. I ain’t hoeing. Come and take me out. I dare you, you’re all talk. Take a look around and see what's happening. Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Alan Jackson?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

• Listening to Alan’s “music” (if you choose to call it that), it is far from country music, let alone pop-country. Like I said before, it’s a weird mix of rap, trap R&B, EDM, and 80’s hair metal.

• It was Jackson who lived up to multiple negative stereotypes of country music (i.e., “Where I Come From”, “Jim and Jack and Hank”, “Country Boy”, “It’s Alright to be a Redneck”). 

• It was Jackson who introduced heavy pop and EDM elements into mainstream country

• Even worse, he made country music look ignorant, a (fairly inaccurate) stereotype which persists to this day. For example in his 9/11-exploiting song, he blurts out that he can’t even tell the difference between Iraq and Iran despite watching the news.

• Fully HALF of all children who grow up listening to Alan Jackson score below average on standardized tests.

• For Johnny Cash’s sake, Alan Jackson is even having musical intercourse with rap artists, like first cousins mating, covering Akon’s “Don’t Matter”, Wiz Khalifa’s “We Dem Boyz”, and Future’s “Mask Off” in concert.

• More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of listening to Alan Jackson.

• Alan Jackson’s producer is Polow da Don, known for producing songs for artists like Chris Brown, Nicki Minaj, Limp Bizkit, and Travis Scott.

• The fact that Jackson’s discography is so stupid doesn’t come as a shock only because it’s expected of the genre to flip flop between glorifying reckless, irresponsible, self-destructive, or otherwise decidedly un-Christian behavior and doe-eyed, boot-licking religious tripe. 

• Alan Jackson’s music has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of Alan Jackson and given other music to listen begged for Alan Jackson after only two days.

• Alan Jackson is often a "gateway" musician, leading his listeners to "harder" artists such as Migos, 50 Cent, Drake and even Lil Pump.

• Most Alan Jackson fans are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, this is what you should do:

• Call radio stations to boycott Alan Jackson.

• Spray paint "#AlanJacksonKilledCountry" everywhere.

• Write "#AlanJacksonKilledCountry" on all your dollar bills. Any bills you have. People do not throw money away, so it would be a free way to get the message out.

• No sale of Alan Jackson’s music to minors.

• No advertising of Alan Jackson within 1000 feet of a school.

You must do it every day of your life. Your support must now go to me - Mlpwtfisthat. And with me as your leader, it will happen.

Do they think they will stop me? Because it won’t. I have every right to tell it like it is. I have been on the razor’s edge for the past 3 years, on setlist.fm, Twitter, the English, Spanish, and Simple Wikipedias. It’s hard to take a guy who’s built an empire upon the graves of dead alcoholics seriously. It’s like it’s a crime to write about anything but only the most threadbare thematic rags. And not to mention it's also hard to take serious that same guy covering rappers Akon, Wiz Khalifa, and Future in concert, while claiming he's "Keepin' It Country"!

The old guys who wrote the first country music were uneducated blue-collar good ol’ boys, but they were genuinely those things, and what they wrote was a reflection of who they were. There was a real element of poignancy. But to simply imitate that and endlessly mass-produce it just to capitalize on it is asinine and antithetical to anything that might even casually be called art. Alan Jackson’s discography can be best characterized as a quaint little collection of carefully polished turds, a pointless parade of tired bromides. Again, it is anything but country music. What it is is a pop blend of rap, trap, R&B, EDM, and 80’s hair metal. Only those who rush to McDonald’s to try the new McRib (“Now less gross!”) should bother with Alan Jackson’s “music.” Keep your dignity and burn your money.

I am ready to lead you, my allies, into the real country music underground. Let's get started.

#AlanJacksonKilledCountry